2022

 Greetings to everyone at the end of this 2022 year. The last few years have been crazy, difficult, exciting, full of lots of changes. I should probably just add a billion pictures here...maybe when I find my phone. 

Memory

Most parents would be concerned if their child forgot an entire year of their life.

I play a song on the piano called Memory. It's from Andrew Lloyd Webber's stage play Cats. The grey, old cat comes and sings of days past and things both good and bad that she experienced. It's a reminder that life is not always as expected but that you can still look back and appreciate all of life. 

But when you lost those memories where do you go to retrieve them?  I could read through my journal, look at pictures, or even read over my Facebook page. 

What about for a child? 

It may seem unusual for a child to lose memories but for mine it has happened multiple times. It became first recognizable when he was in Kindergarten. He learned to write his name then woke one morning with no memory of having every written his name. But we moved forward teaching him again the letters one-by-one. 

In many ways this can also be a blessing. As he forgets that we've told him about the tooth fairy, and Santa Claus--- he becomes just as thrilled on a Christmas morning to discover that he gets presents under the tree. His face lights up just the same as my 2 and 3 year old, full of excitement, wonder and surprise. 

 Then just last week, he's forgotten that he ever attended 4th grade. I may show him pictures and talk of memories, but that year in his mind is gone. Will it ever come back? That's uncertain. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. 

We were outside playing basketball, and as a side-note, my son has been playing basketball everyday for 1-2 hours for the last 3ish years, practicing free throws and dribbling. Last week while outside he dribbled the ball back and forth took a shot and made it! He shouted aloud, "Wow! I'm so good at this!" his face lit up with joy and happiness, "I haven't played basketball in years!" 

Midnight, not a sound from the pavement.
Has the moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone.
In the lamp light the withered leaves collect at my feet,
And the wind, begins to moan.

Memory, all alone in the moonlight.
I can dream of the old days, life was beautiful then.
I remember, the time I knew what happiness was.
Let the memory live again.

Every street lamp seems to beat, a fatalistic warning.
Someone mutters and a street lamp gutters, and soon it will be morning.

Daylight, I must wait for the sun rise,
I must think of a new life, and I mustn't give in.
When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory too,
And a new day will begin.

Burnt out ends of smoky days, the stale cold smell of morning.
A street lamp dies, another night is over, another day is dawning.

Touch me, its so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory, of my days in the sun.
If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is.
Look, a new day has begun.

Webber, A. (1984) https://genius.com/Andrew-lloyd-webber-memory-lyrics

TBRI

I've been taking an interesting class. It's a parenting course called TBRI or attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention that is designed to meet the complex needs of vulnerable children.

Basically it teaches you or gives you ideas for how to better raise a child how has experienced neglect, trauma--such as exposure to drugs/alcohol/teragens. 


It explains various ways of parenting, how to create secure attachments with yourself and others/your kids. It also sorta turns parenting on it's head so to speak. Most parenting has more correcting than connecting. TBRI wants more connecting than correcting. I actually like the class. Though, it definitely brings to light places where I want to improve.

Every class starts out with a nurturing group. They want us to incorporate nurturing groups at home and so far... I've been able to do some. Nurture groups start out by going over the rules of the home--we only have 3 rules. Stick together. Stay calm, Have fun.  Then, they teach us a calming strategy. (bowl of soup, magic mustache, draw a box). We 'check our engines'-- are you sad (blue), just right (green) or uptight/distressed (red). We give each other band-aids: Do you have any hurts today? Can I put a band-aid on it? Then we have a trust/feeding activity. Would you like a treat? Here you go. A puppet play activity where you practice phrases like "with respect". You act out puppets not having respect, cheer about it. Then say, let's try again--with respect. The scenario plays out again but with respect and we cheer about it again. That's basically it.

There's lots of data backing up this style of parenting which I appreciate. After the nurturing group we study the reasons behind behaviors and discuss how to improve where we can. I just wish I had the immediate funds to try everything with my kids (for example buying a huge box of bandaids, puppets, fidgets and treats...)

Speaking of treats, I'm hungry. I should go eat something.

Alex's Birth Story

I'd been having contractions on/off since Dec 27th. On Dec 31st I had contractions from 1am-2:30am, then again woke up with contractions at 6am. They left and returned at 10am.

At 2:20pm I left for a doctors appointment at my OBGYN's office. They did a short ultrasound and stress test (during which, I had 1 contraction) then I saw the doctor and asked him to strip my membranes. Dr. Ollerton stripped my membranes (around 3:30pm)  and I left the office. I took the stairs down (3 flights) and then hiked to my car which was purposely parked in the furthest parking spot possible.

I texted Andrew. Our baby was measuring at 42 weeks 5 days, estimated to be around 9-10 pounds.

I went to the grocery store to pick up a couple of New Year's Treats - caramel for apples, a green apple Jone's soda, gobstopper valentine hearts, and cheddar sour cream chips. Again, I hiked back to my car-purposely parked at the further spot available at the grocery store.

Andrew texted me back, "So, they should induce you now." My inducement date was set for Jan 7th, and due to size, was going to be a c-section.

I went home to my kids (being babysat by Grandma Rosenvall). I ate 2 cheddar sour cream chips and sat down on the couch. Sharp contractions started immediately. My mother in law (grandma Rosenvall) looked at me and said, "I'm going to plan on being here longer."

I texted Andrew, "What time do you plan to be home from work?"

3 contractions, 5 minutes apart and my mother in law asked, "I think we should call Andrew home." Immediately, I heard the garage door opening-Andrew was already home. (He had a feeling to leave work quickly.)

He came inside, grabbed the maternity bag and we left. We arrived at Mountain Point Medical around 5pm. I was hooked up to monitors, and checked-dilated 5.5+. Contractions continued every 5 mins. Because of strep b, they had to give me antibiotics for an hour. Then, right as my doctor was about to break my water, he was called to an emergency c-section, so... we ended up having to wait until after 8pm.

He warned me that if I didn't get an epidural before breaking my water that it might be too late. I opted to risk it...

He broke my water--which actually took 6 tries-- it was tough.

My contractions immediately increased. About the time I really wanted an epidural, Andrew asked the doctor to check, I was dilated to a 9. Next thing I knew, Dr. Haskett said, "Push on the next contraction." I did and I screamed. Baby Alex was out on only 1 contraction, 3 and a half pushes.

No epidural, no meds. I've always wanted to try that once in my life.

Alex Oliver Rosenvall
9lb, 2 oz
22 inches
9pm
Dec 31st, 2018

Green Light

I have finally been given the green light!

Thank you if you prayed for me.

The perinatologist checked everything one last time, my placenta was able to grow away from my c-section scar. Instead of having me deliver early/induced early like was planned several weeks ago, they are going to allow me to end this pregnancy normally--meaning, I have the green light to go into labor. (Previously they didn't want me having any contractions unless I was in the hospital.)

So... hopefully, I'll have an uneventful delivery.

Also, even though baby Alex is measuring at the 99% (estimated over 8 pounds now...large baby) and development is guessed to be around 38 weeks along. They are not changing my 'due date'. Originally they were going to bump it up and have me induced sometime between Dec 24-31. Now, they will not induce until Jan 7. If I go into a labor naturally though, they won't try to stop it.

For now, we wait for Alex to decide when he comes; meanwhile, I can't walk very well anymore. 

Now what...

P has been interesting. When I tried to teach him to read (when he was four) I assumed that his lack of attention was because he wasn't ready and we moved on to other things.

Luckily, he has a kindergarten teacher who is less willing to give up.

Okay, not at first. He initially tested into first grade math. The first few weeks his teacher wanted to move him back, we chatted and she left him in the class and now he loves it. With P it takes some extra persistence but he does his work. Over Thanksgiving break he requested to finish his homework early and then found other math to do on his own.  He is moving incredibly quickly and I'm just here for the ride!

We did also have S, M & D tested by a child neuropsychologist.

S, just as I thought would happen, tested perfectly average. She's just fine, though does have a bit more anxiety than normal. I wanted her to go mainly because there is a family history of mental illness (her bio-mom and bio-grandma). The problems tend to occur in her bio-family line during teenager years, and I want her to be comfortable seeing a psychologist if the need ever arises. 

D was diagnosed with neurological development disorder, ADHD. His IQ is very low average.

M was also diagnosed with neurological development disorder, ADHD (mostly due in inattention), and borderline mental functioning. His IQ is extremely low/borderline mentally disabled.

S, M & D were all exposed to alcohol and teratogens while in utero; exposure to such substances can have a rather varied impact.

The neuropsychologist referred us to genetic testing for M & D, because of their scores and a few other physical traits which she pointed out. According to her as time moves on M & D's ability to function will be outpaced by their peers; the gap between their understanding and where they should be will widen. (Probably why D is low- but still average IQ, and M is borderline functioning.)

These reports are meant to be a protection for M & D. If they get into trouble(law)-I hope that these reports will show that they need help. Extra support from people around them to function. Just as a blind person may need a sight-seeing dog(or as my friend calls them- an object avoidance dog), or a hearing disabled person needs a hearing aid. My boys need to be surrounded by good people who will not take advantage of them. They, in a way, need someone to be the other half of their brain. (They will most likely forever function as children even if their bodies grow to be adults.)

So while at home, M & D practice life function skills. They learn to cook, pick balanced meals, make their beds, pick up after themselves, we practice hygiene, etc. Because, it just takes them longer to remember how to do it.  Also, I refuse to hold them back. I will forever push them to learn, just with the understanding that it will take longer. 

 

Raising Genius

I finally found a place that is able to diagnose my kidlets. Though this may seem like an unnecessary step to many people, my brain works better when I have information--rather than guessing. Also, in my prayers I felt the answer from the Lord was to get information.

My S, M, and D will be seeing a nueropsychologist later in September.

For now, let me tell you about P.

P has been diagnosed with Autism. (I suspected this.) He struggles sitting down for tasks, has some repetitive behaviors, rigidity of thought (his ideas come first in his mind), etc.

Luckily, he has the lowest form of Autism, the extremely mild level 1. Meaning hopefully with some help, he'll be able to work through things and do great.

Now for the other things. He has a visual- spatial IQ of 138. (Adult genius is 140). The psychologist wants P to take the IQ test meant for adolescents (he actually wants him to take the High School exam, but P needs to read in order to do that).   

What does that mean?

Well, from what I've read so far... "Most school rely on an auditory-sequential repetitive style of learning/teaching. Repetition for the V-S learner is unnecessary, which is why traditional school fails them. Once a V-S learner has mastered a subject (generally quickly) the learning is permanent."

P doesn't like to sit in his chair because he's bored.
P doesn't like the learning games online because more of them repeat too much when he has already mastered the subject/task.

He needs lots of pictures, colors, things he can play with in his hands, etc.

I'm in for an interesting week.

Pictures at Camera Shy

5 months 25 days

Today baby Clara is 5 months, 25 days old. She babbles, giggles and laughs frequently. Loves to eat rice cereal, carrots, bananas, mommy milk and pears. She's starting to sit up, attempting to roll over and in general doing all things that a baby should do.

About two years ago, a had another baby reach 5 months, 25 days old. That was June 24th, 2016. It was just before 6 am. But my baby did not reach 5 months and 26 days. Lily passed away just after 6 am.

I'm attempting to restrain the flood of panic I'm having. But I really just want to buy a huge box of See's chocolates and hide.

Facebook just reminded me that 2 years ago today we celebrated Lily's 1 month birthday. It was the only birthday we were able to celebrate. I had planned to celebrate her 6 month birthday, but instead we had a funeral. 

In a couple of days I turn 33, assuming I live to be 100 I have lived appox. 1/3 of my life. Only 66 years until I see Lily again. 66 years isn't long.

When do I tell them?

I've been having a hard time.

Growing up I always had a babysitting job. In fact I was scheduled out Tuesday thru Saturday to babysit from the time I was 13. I had permanent weekly appointments with various families. I watched small families with 2-3 small kids. Larger families of 5 or 6. Helped teens with homework, directed chores, regulated play, made things with the kids I babysat, cleaned the house, cooked dinner even. It was easy.

I guess the Lord decided it was too easy for me.

I love my little ones.

I read a book called "Try Differently rather than Harder" it's about FASD, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.

Now, I've never in my life been one of those people to define what can or cannot be accomplished because of a disability. With my students, the kids I babysat, I always encouraged them to just do their best--and I worked with a wide variety of 'best work'. I feel like I have a developed a whole set of 'good parenting skills'.

In the book there's a chapter about people with FASD describing their brain, and they way they think. Here's some of them:

"My brain feels like Swiss cheese"

"All the wiring is scrambled."

"If someone opened my brain, they'd find a bunch of black holes."

"I have a window in my brain, some days it's closed, other days it's wide open."

The problem I find is that if your child has holes in their brain, when they drop their marbles, you --the parent-- have to pick them up.

Tell me all you want that your child throws temper tantrums, forgets to clean their room, misplaces objects, doesn't do homework. I've been around kids. 'Normal' it is not like this.

What I really want to know is how do I tell them? How do I tell them that the reason they freak out when they can't decide to wear a coat or jacket is because of anxiety caused by brain damage? Or that they aren't stupid, but they will struggle their entire life.

I just received an invitation to the foster care symposium on: FASD: When Good Parenting Skills Don't Work. Yeah... I already knew that...

PTSD

Clara is the same size now as Lily when Lily passed away. (Actually Clara's a little bigger.) It's odd for me to think that Clara is only 4 weeks old and already surpassing her littler (in growth) sister.

Most people comment on how large their kids are when a new baby comes. Instead, Clara is huge comparatively.

Last night was new baby difficult. Staying up until 3am, needing cuddles. I finally fell asleep next to Clara. She wears an Owlet to bed, the Owlet is the only reason I can sleep at all. (Owlet is a heart rate/oxygen monitoring device.)

I awoke with my alarm and turned to see Clara asleep. She looked in sleep like Lily dead. I freaked out. Despite the Owlet's green light gently telling me that everything is okay... I immediately woke my daughter, checked her breathing myself. She giggled softly and went right back to sleep.

Baby Clara

For the past 2.5 weeks I've been getting contractions. But every time they started becoming regular anxiety would start and the contractions would quit! On July 29th (Mine and Andrew's 12th anniversary) my contractions were 5 minutes apart for 2 hours. We got ready for the hospital...then they quit again!

Fast Forward to August 3rd.

Andrew's mom came over to watch the kids. Andrew and I had woken up around 6:15am. Everything we needed was in the car, we drove to the hospital, checked in about 7am and walked up the stairs to labor and delivery. The nurses took me to room 238. A lovely room with a beautiful view of the mountains. My nurse called my OBGYN as I was scheduled for induction.

A few minutes later she came back to inform me that no one from my OBGYN office was scheduled to be at Mountain Point Medical (the hospital) that morning. An oversight on the OBGYN office...aka...oops! Also, the only doctor on call at the other hospital was in the middle of a c-section and wouldn't be able to come for several hours, also, she couldn't start the pitocin because I had a prior c-section. I responded, "Oh, okay we can go out for breakfast then!" The nurse replied, "Yeah, you could go to Kneaders."

I pulled out the camera, asked Andrew to take one last picture of pregnant me. The camera flashed "No room on memory card." For the record, we had transferred everything from the memory card to our computer several days ago and thought that we had wiped the memory card but since after seeing the no room on memory card, we both questioned if we had transferred everything correctly, plus all the pictures on the camera were of Lily.

We left the hospital, my right wrist carrying my hospital bracelets, and drove to Target where we purchased a new memory card for the camera, a few treats (baby meat sticks--weird but I like them.), and baby bottles with a bottle brush.

Then we drove to Kneaders, I requested a breakfast croissant (sausage, egg, cheese), Andrew bought french toast (strawberries, cream) and we also bought 4 fruit tarts.

We drove back to the hospital, much to the relief of our nurse who was worried we wouldn't be back in time. I left 3 of the tarts with the nurses and we went back to our room.

We ate breakfast, enjoyed the sunrise.

A nurse came in to start my IV and blew out my vein on my left hand. The epidural tech came in and started an IV on my right hand. Dr. Bean came in and apologized for the oversight of hospital staff. He said, "It actually would have been better for us to have you come tomorrow." I replied, "We can come tomorrow." (I really wouldn't have minded.) Dr. Bean replied, "No, you already have an IV, and I'm here until you deliver. Everyone at AF hospital has to wait to be induced until your baby is here."

Pitocin started. The nurse suddenly realized that I was strep B  positive, she left to get antibiotics (which you're supposed to have 4 hours before delivery). I was already in transitional labor. The contractions were hard and fast. I grabbed Andrew's hand. The nurse turned down the pitocin but my body was ready to go. The contractions were 2 minutes apart. I asked for an epidural. The contractions were 1 minute apart. The epidural dude arrived and had the epidural in quick. The nurse checked me, I was dialated to 8.5."I think were going to have a baby soon." My nurse said and then quickly ran off and brought back all the doctors tools. As she laid them out on the table the epidural dude shot my line with a concentrated dose as the minor dose hadn't started yet. Dr. Bean dressed in a delivery gown over by the door. "Do you feel the need to push?" he asked. I replied, "No, the epidural is too strong, you'll have to tell me when to push." "Okay. Next contraction then."

I was actually surprised, had I realized that I was that close, I probably would've gone without an epidural...maybe.

Four rounds of pushing, "I see dark hair." - Dr. Bean, and a hardy cry filled the room. I had had the epidural less than 10 minutes. The antibiotic had been in me for 20 minutes. Andrew tells me that the umbilical cord was wrapped loosely around our baby's arm or leg, but he doesn't remember which.

I didn't tear. There were no complications. Dr. Bean said, "No tearing, nothing, why am I here!"

Clara was placed on my chest, she immediately started rooting. I let her nurse for an hour. Another nurse asked if I was okay giving a bottle. "My milk's not in yet! Of course she can have a bottle." ("I like that," the nurse replied, "You're realistic.") Andrew fed Clara a bottle, she downed 35ml and at less than 2 hours old. They hooked her up to a pulse ox, she was slightly purple, but her numbers checked out perfectly. It took awhile to rub all the vernix from her body, she had some leftover in her hair that was washed out the following day.

Clara River Rosenvall
12:40pm (From start of IV to birth was 1 hour 40 minutes)
8 lbs 14 ounces
19 3/4 inches long

This is different...

I have always delivered early. In fact, this new one (spoiler alert... I'm pregnant) threatened to arrive 7 weeks early. Now, I find myself having had contractions for 2 weeks, dialated at 4, 100% effaced...and still pregnant?

I imagine she's talking with Lily.  They are taking their time.

The Dreamers and You

Reading facebook posts of parents happily delighting their children with St. Patrick's Day merriment, chocolate coins, and rainbows is....

I can tell that I'm seeing other peoples worlds through rose colored glasses.

I too am guilty of the ever present "Prozac posts".

I like real life posts too, but most people won't post:

"I hate you mom."

"Nothing will ever EVER make it better!"

"They did it and its not my fault that I left it out! I was going to pick it up later!"

I suppose some experienced parents say that those statements mean I'm doing something right? They just remind me how awful I am...depression is real people.

This past week we received an unusual request-a purchase of our home despite it not being for sale. The offer, though good, is enough to let us entertain the actual idea of moving. (But we haven't signed anything, so neighbors rein in your horses, you haven't gotten rid of us yet.)

It has unfortunately added unexpected stress to my family.

The stress of looking for a potential new house, possibly packing all we own and moving, grief from losing Lily is still raw, the new tiny coming in July/August (shocker!... whatever, I know I can't hide it anymore.).

Andrew donated blood today for a friend of ours. (It's a blood-donation fundraiser for their daughter who made it through chemo successfully.)  Andrew was happy to donate. In the midst of it, a pulse oximeter alarm blared. PTSD raised my husbands heart rate and he filled his donation bag in less than 5 minutes.

S & M like the idea of moving. J wants a bedroom without the twins in it. (I don't blame him... We have 4 boys in one room, and the room is small... Yes, we know we need to move.) D is dealing with his own aggression. P has been retracting with pottytraining. (He's been fully trained for over 6 months!)

I attended a temple session today. (I wanted to invite someone to go with me, but depression retched into my thoughts and I went alone. I should've invited someone...) The temple makes me happy. I feel closer to God and Lily when I'm there. I'm reminded of Eternal purposes and my life feels better on track.

Today (while in the temple) I felt that we're trying too hard to find a new house. That things will fall into place. That somewhere, someone has the key to where we go next and that I need to continue doing stress-free activities with my family, keep my house in order, my children safe, and to continue using happy funds.

Happy funds- our way of bringing a little bit of joy to a family who lost a precious tiny. Tonight we bought doughnuts, played at the park, and didn't give any thought of worry to our futures.

I'm going to eat my cream filled Bismarck.

Happy Thanksgiving

Yesterday (Thanksgiving) was the 5 month anniversary of Lily's passing. I doubt anyone knew, but every 24th of the month rests heavy on my heart. As December approaches I find myself apprehensive. Stores are becoming more delightfully decorated with Christmas. Twinkly lights, trees, carols in the radio, all lovely things that remind us of our Savior's birth, and remind me of my Lily's life.

I am not looking forward to this next month, and I know that my blog is a mixture of depression and hope at the moment. I won't apologize for it. I'm grieving. Grief has lows and highs.

Next month there will be several days that I probably will struggle with...

On Dec 19th Lily will have been gone the same number of days as she was alive.
Dec 24th (yeah...Christmas Eve), will be the 6th month anniversary of her passing.
Dec 25th (Christmas), Lily's Due Date last year.
Dec 30th, Lily's 1st Birthday.

Doomsayers will probably tell me "You're only causing your own problems by telling yourself those days will be hard, thus, if those days are hard it's your own fault."

To them I say... "You don't understand grief." (I could say more, but I was raised to be polite.)

If I happen to look depressed. In fact if anyone around you recently lost a loved one... and they look depressed, or sad, or unhappy, or tired.

Do. Not. Say. : "You look tired." "Why aren't you smiling." "You look sad." "Ugly, ugly face." "What's a matter, grumpy?" "You look grim."

I understand these comments are made because well intentioned people want to help...but if you do this you are only adding to the depression.

Instead please.... Ask them to play a game, or do a task and DON'T comment on their depressed state.

If I want to talk, I'll bring it up.

....Otherwise remember what your mother should have taught you....

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

Christmas Decorations

I pulled out my box of Halloween decorations. Vampire teddy bears, bats and a fuzzy spider were delightfully placed on the piano... until my twins excitedly found them. I hung up my Halloween wreath, put the mini tombstones back in the box, to macabre for me. Then I pulled out my favorite purple and orange twinkly lights. I happily strung them over my front door, plugged them in and electrically shocked myself...(apparently saying that I 'electrocuted myself' means that I died, thankfully I'm alive.) they were immediately removed and tossed in the trash. I really liked those lights, but they were old, my fault that I shocked myself.

Then today, as I was walking through Home Depot I decided to see if they had any orange and purple Halloween lights to replace my beloved ones that nearly killed me. Apparently all the Halloween lights this year have been replaced with strings of 'ultra light wire'. It's a string of lights with a barely visible wire. I want more distance between the live wire and my fingers, thank you.

Which is why I found myself in the Christmas aisle. Brightly colored decorations, hanging ornaments, twinkly lights, Christmas trees with tinsel, Santa Claus, Nativity Scenes.

Lily was due on Christmas Day.

Hope

My brother's son passed away last week. It was unexpected and sudden. For Andrew & I it brought back memories of Lily in full force.

Despite knowing that Lily was going to pass away, that her little digestive system had shut down, that she couldn't have heart surgery (pulmonary hypertension sucks) and was receiving all the medical care we could provide without success. Even hearing her monitors blaring from her failing oxygen, even though it was maxed out too... We had hope.

Hope that she would be with us another day, another hour, another second.

Hope that she would live. That we would be greeted by her smiles even if that was all she ever did. We had hope.

I could hear that same hope as my mom related to me the information from my brother regarding his son. I could hear the hope. One more day. One more hour. One more second.

The hope of a loved one remains after death, however the hope changes. As we, Earthly beings are left behind hope remains with us as a steadfast reminder of Eternity. The hope that we will see our loved one again. That we will be reunited with them. To greet them whole and perfect and to be able to raise those young children whom we lost too soon.

Tonight I read to the kids from Mosiah chapter 13. Specifially these chapters regard Abinadi.

"8 Yea, and my words fill you with wonder and amazement, and with anger.
9 But I finish my message; and then it matters not whither I go, if it so be that I am saved."

Abinadi is referring to court and people of the wicked King Noah, who on hearing Abinadi was there to preach the gospel to his people, ordered Abinadi to be slain. Yet, Abinadi warns the people that he cannot be touched or harmed until he delivers the message God commanded him to deliver. He recognizes that the people may be "filled with wonder, amazement" or even "anger".

It is the same with grief.

Grief fills you with wonder about Heaven, is it real? Can I go there? Will my loved ones be there?

Amazement. There is a joyous side to grief which is hard to explain. It is the amazement of feeling Gods love and support for us during this difficult time. It is also the joy emanating from our loves one whom we lost reasurring us that Heaven is real, that God does command Heaven, that his plan is perfect. If we could only step into the next room we would be able to behold out dear ones fulfilling God's work for the completion of His plan of happiness.

Lastly, anger. Anger can be righteous. When Jesus Christ the Lord threw the people out of the temple who were using it incorrectly, he was exercising righteous anger. If we use our anger from grief as a reminder to keep ourselves worthy for temple and heavenly blessings, then I can understand its worth. But if we use anger to be hardened towards God then it is incorrect.

I know that the verses in Mosiah weren't talking of grief. Yet, that is the lesson I needed to hear tonight. It's my own interpretation. Don't read into it as truth. The Lord speaks to our hearts individually for what we need to hear.

As Abinadi spoke to the people of Noah, the Lord did protect him so that His message could be delivered.

Lily before she passed away brought a spirit of great peace to all who met her. Days before her passing each of my children unprompted sang to her primary songs. Lily helped them know and feel the spirit. She taught them what it means to have guidance from the holy ghost.

Days before my nephew passed away, he too in his own way shared the gospel with those whom he came in contact.

What an amazing mission these sweet souls completed here on Earth. I look forward to hearing about their Spirit realm missions.

May God be with you, till we meet again.

Lily Videos

Grief Link

I quite liked the link my mom posted: http://www.momstrongutah.com/blog-1/2016/9/6/denise

It's the story of a mother who delivered a down syndrome baby, who passed away. I can see parallels in my own life. Don't have the energy to do laundry? yep. Don't want to be alone, yet feel like you make horrible company? Check. I especially like the explanation of what the kids went through.