Sleep

Lying here waiting for sleep,
Escapes me still, while bunnies leap.
In my mind monitors beep.
I stay awake, I cannot sleep.
Gasping breath haunts,
Numbers dropped,
You I rocked, and rocked, and rocked,
Through the night,
Till morning first light.
You slept.

Chores for tomorrow,
Wait for my passing sorrow.
My little one's not here.
Silence the terrors, nightmares dispel.
Heaven's embrace keeps my tiny one well.

Tiny dancer wild and free,
Come and sit here, next to me?
The fairy queen's coming, she's quaint to see.
Her tiny toes will sprint across my knee.

See her dancing, fairy wings of grace,
Across the grass her step we'll trace.
Watch the flowing, shimmering lace,
The fairy king takes her by the waist.

Twirling over the meadow fast,
Quick their movements as they fly past.
Join the merrily, gather the dance!
Gentle fairy men ready to prance.

Fairy ladies, flowing gowns,
Wearing tiny flowered crowns,
Nighttime peering never a frown,
Dance and twirl till moon is down.

Sun rising, fairy folk yawn,
Back to hollows, skipping over lawn.
Goodnight fairies, merry making gone,
Come my tiny dancer, rest till another dawn.

Go and Live

Two months since I was last able to hold Lily. Smell her. See her. I consider those last moments cuddling her all night as a precious memory. The moments following her death seem unimportant somehow, like I was cuddling an empty shell without a spirit, because her spirit had moved on and her body, though precious, should be interred and life should continue.

I do not mourn for the dead. I mourn for the living, we who must soldier on following a path of continuous trial and error, attempting our best wobbling steps on a straight path of righteousness. The grip on iron rod in our hands a firm reminder as we squint through the fog, ready in our mind "I will make it, I hope I make it, Lord help me make it."

I've been given a calling in my church to teach the 10-11 year old girls.  Admittedly, this is the first calling about which I am extremely nervous, despite it only being twice a month.

Being given a calling feels like being told I'm ready to move on. I'm not ready.

Rather, my creativity is down, I cannot focus as I did before, even the simple task of reading a book in a day now takes me weeks. I start a task, leave it for a moment then find it unfinished days later and try to recount my steps for why I didn't finish. This for me is grief.

I'm depressed and know it. I'd rather not be medicated. It's stupid, but I find great joy in teaching. Okay, to me it's not stupid. Teaching feels like service, it allows the joy in my heart to exit into the minds of those I teach. I seek the spark of understanding and take joy in sharing the wonders of this planet which the Lord created for us, his children. Losing a tiny is hard. That is an understatement, but I can't express the inner workings of my soul in a different light.

Now for a few happy thoughts:

James started mixing together water and sugar, making a huge mess in my kitchen. When I asked him what he was doing he said, "This is my science experiment." So I did what any good parent would... I gave him safety glasses, a jug of vinegar(Yes the whole jug), baking soda, sugar cubes and a cookie tray. One jug of vinegar for 2 hours of happiness.

I helped Kathi set up her classroom, I love doing things like that. Thank you Kathi, you helped me more than I helped you I'm sure.

Organized Sarah's room. She secretly loves it when I do it. It helped her be happy... me? Um... I suppose organization is nice? Haha. I'd rather have a messy desk, it makes drawing more interesting.

Speaking of drawing, I painted this week. It's a headboard/bookcase thing for the boys with constellations and planets. It turned out rather nicely.

Pneumonia

There's an unspoken rule that everyone in the world must come visit the day after you are no longer contagious. Having pneumonia is merely an excuse and an unacceptable one for having a slovenly house.

It's okay. I'm used to massive sleep deprivation, waking up coughing and hacking all night adds a flare of cherries to the current condition.

Also, I could care less about the dishes. And the laundry. And the toys.

Happy funds aside, my kids are eating popsicles today. Popsicles, juice, tylenol, amoxicillin, and if you knock on my door and wake any of us during naptime, you had better be holding a box of dark chocolate raspberry cremes from See's or a Terry Pratchet book.

Flavor of the Year

Remember in Ratatouille when Remy tries to get his brother Emil to experience flavor? The spirals of the strawberry dance then fireworks of cheese beat, together making something entirely different.

Years have flavor. Years ago when I looked forward to 2012, I felt that year tasted like raspberries and chocolate- I delivered James that year. Similar to the year that we adopted Sarah, that year was strawberry shortcake.

Not all years have a true flavor though, as 2016 approached it became more ominous. A dark stormy cloud hung over the year, sunshine being unable to penetrate the clouds. I was nervous about it even years before it arrived. (I don't care if you find this crazy, it's my normal way of experiencing life.)

2017 for me sounds like a Jazz band. 2018 seems more normal- PB&J'S, but mundane and slightly tasteless. Whereas 2019, taco party, not enough for a Fiesta, but definitely hot sauce. I'm curious as to what's in store for those years.

Hello 2016. I hate you. And I usually love storms.

We found out what's up with Danny. He has pneumonia! His brother James also has pneumonia. And me too! I also have a double ear infection. Oh joy.

I'm incredibly grateful that Lily didn't have to experience pneumonia, what she went through with just her 'normal' little body was plenty.

Danny Tiger

Anyone who has met my rambunctious 3 year old Danny knows that he hits things at full speed. His tiny stature makes his eyebrows perfect targets for bumps on tables. I should switch to a Japanese table. Yet, even if I did, Danny would find some way to jump, whack, fly or throw himself into peril. Really, it's a miracle that he's not had stitches or broken a leg-knock on wood!

I peg Danny's lack of medical history due to good parenting *pats self on back*. Actually, luck and angels following his every move should be given more credit.

I of course have 3 year old twins. If Danny is Hyde, Peter (his twin) is the mild mannered Dr. Jekyll. Both intelligent, can't live without each other, but I constantly worry that one is contemplating my murder.

Which leads me to this week. Danny started by breaking all of Sarah's toy porcelain dishes. Every. Single. One.

You understand why Sarah's door is always locked?

This was how he started the day. After adding yogurt to the couch, stuffing toys into the shop vac, cutting my bedsheets with scissors, spilling out all the toys in the library, uprooting my raspberries.

You're questioning my parenting skills, aren't you? Things like this for Danny are 'normal' activities and he's quick, lightening fast. The first tingle of glass and I was too late. The run from table to couch with yogurt an instant.

But in Danny's mind-- Sarah invited him to play in her room- he was putting the dishes away (by throwing them into the dishes box) when they broke. He served his sick brother yogurt, who happened to be sitting on the couch.  He assisted his older brother with vacuuming the chocolate brownie crumbs from the toys, he tried his hand at quilting-and yes, my scissors are usually up higher. He helped me 'weed' the garden by uprooting my raspberries. The toys everywhere?  He had to find his special fishy somehow, it's special!

Then today, no broken dishes, no scissors or glue, no yogurt on couches or toys in the vacuum. Today, Danny is being a 'normal' 3 year old, like his very reserved twin. I checked, sure enough-fever of 100. (Guess his brother on the couch decided to share.) Then, he started throwing up. "I'm okay mom." He smiles crookedly as I give him tylenol and popsicles. He wiggles his tiny self into my lap for extra special cuddles. It's a nice little break for myself, but I look forward to getting my rambunctious Danny back soon.

❤ my Danny Tiger.