Reading facebook posts of parents happily delighting their children with St. Patrick's Day merriment, chocolate coins, and rainbows is....
I can tell that I'm seeing other peoples worlds through rose colored glasses.
I too am guilty of the ever present "Prozac posts".
I like real life posts too, but most people won't post:
"I hate you mom."
"Nothing will ever EVER make it better!"
"They did it and its not my fault that I left it out! I was going to pick it up later!"
I suppose some experienced parents say that those statements mean I'm doing something right? They just remind me how awful I am...depression is real people.
This past week we received an unusual request-a purchase of our home despite it not being for sale. The offer, though good, is enough to let us entertain the actual idea of moving. (But we haven't signed anything, so neighbors rein in your horses, you haven't gotten rid of us yet.)
It has unfortunately added unexpected stress to my family.
The stress of looking for a potential new house, possibly packing all we own and moving, grief from losing Lily is still raw, the new tiny coming in July/August (shocker!... whatever, I know I can't hide it anymore.).
Andrew donated blood today for a friend of ours. (It's a blood-donation fundraiser for their daughter who made it through chemo successfully.) Andrew was happy to donate. In the midst of it, a pulse oximeter alarm blared. PTSD raised my husbands heart rate and he filled his donation bag in less than 5 minutes.
S & M like the idea of moving. J wants a bedroom without the twins in it. (I don't blame him... We have 4 boys in one room, and the room is small... Yes, we know we need to move.) D is dealing with his own aggression. P has been retracting with pottytraining. (He's been fully trained for over 6 months!)
I attended a temple session today. (I wanted to invite someone to go with me, but depression retched into my thoughts and I went alone. I should've invited someone...) The temple makes me happy. I feel closer to God and Lily when I'm there. I'm reminded of Eternal purposes and my life feels better on track.
Today (while in the temple) I felt that we're trying too hard to find a new house. That things will fall into place. That somewhere, someone has the key to where we go next and that I need to continue doing stress-free activities with my family, keep my house in order, my children safe, and to continue using happy funds.
Happy funds- our way of bringing a little bit of joy to a family who lost a precious tiny. Tonight we bought doughnuts, played at the park, and didn't give any thought of worry to our futures.
I'm going to eat my cream filled Bismarck.
