Go and Live

Two months since I was last able to hold Lily. Smell her. See her. I consider those last moments cuddling her all night as a precious memory. The moments following her death seem unimportant somehow, like I was cuddling an empty shell without a spirit, because her spirit had moved on and her body, though precious, should be interred and life should continue.

I do not mourn for the dead. I mourn for the living, we who must soldier on following a path of continuous trial and error, attempting our best wobbling steps on a straight path of righteousness. The grip on iron rod in our hands a firm reminder as we squint through the fog, ready in our mind "I will make it, I hope I make it, Lord help me make it."

I've been given a calling in my church to teach the 10-11 year old girls.  Admittedly, this is the first calling about which I am extremely nervous, despite it only being twice a month.

Being given a calling feels like being told I'm ready to move on. I'm not ready.

Rather, my creativity is down, I cannot focus as I did before, even the simple task of reading a book in a day now takes me weeks. I start a task, leave it for a moment then find it unfinished days later and try to recount my steps for why I didn't finish. This for me is grief.

I'm depressed and know it. I'd rather not be medicated. It's stupid, but I find great joy in teaching. Okay, to me it's not stupid. Teaching feels like service, it allows the joy in my heart to exit into the minds of those I teach. I seek the spark of understanding and take joy in sharing the wonders of this planet which the Lord created for us, his children. Losing a tiny is hard. That is an understatement, but I can't express the inner workings of my soul in a different light.

Now for a few happy thoughts:

James started mixing together water and sugar, making a huge mess in my kitchen. When I asked him what he was doing he said, "This is my science experiment." So I did what any good parent would... I gave him safety glasses, a jug of vinegar(Yes the whole jug), baking soda, sugar cubes and a cookie tray. One jug of vinegar for 2 hours of happiness.

I helped Kathi set up her classroom, I love doing things like that. Thank you Kathi, you helped me more than I helped you I'm sure.

Organized Sarah's room. She secretly loves it when I do it. It helped her be happy... me? Um... I suppose organization is nice? Haha. I'd rather have a messy desk, it makes drawing more interesting.

Speaking of drawing, I painted this week. It's a headboard/bookcase thing for the boys with constellations and planets. It turned out rather nicely.