Yesterday (Thanksgiving) was the 5 month anniversary of Lily's passing. I doubt anyone knew, but every 24th of the month rests heavy on my heart. As December approaches I find myself apprehensive. Stores are becoming more delightfully decorated with Christmas. Twinkly lights, trees, carols in the radio, all lovely things that remind us of our Savior's birth, and remind me of my Lily's life.
I am not looking forward to this next month, and I know that my blog is a mixture of depression and hope at the moment. I won't apologize for it. I'm grieving. Grief has lows and highs.
Next month there will be several days that I probably will struggle with...
On Dec 19th Lily will have been gone the same number of days as she was alive.
Dec 24th (yeah...Christmas Eve), will be the 6th month anniversary of her passing.
Dec 25th (Christmas), Lily's Due Date last year.
Dec 30th, Lily's 1st Birthday.
Doomsayers will probably tell me "You're only causing your own problems by telling yourself those days will be hard, thus, if those days are hard it's your own fault."
To them I say... "You don't understand grief." (I could say more, but I was raised to be polite.)
If I happen to look depressed. In fact if anyone around you recently lost a loved one... and they look depressed, or sad, or unhappy, or tired.
Do. Not. Say. : "You look tired." "Why aren't you smiling." "You look sad." "Ugly, ugly face." "What's a matter, grumpy?" "You look grim."
I understand these comments are made because well intentioned people want to help...but if you do this you are only adding to the depression.
Instead please.... Ask them to play a game, or do a task and DON'T comment on their depressed state.
If I want to talk, I'll bring it up.
....Otherwise remember what your mother should have taught you....
"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
Friday, November 25, 2016
Friday, October 21, 2016
Christmas Decorations
I pulled out my box of Halloween decorations. Vampire teddy bears, bats and a fuzzy spider were delightfully placed on the piano... until my twins excitedly found them. I hung up my Halloween wreath, put the mini tombstones back in the box, to macabre for me. Then I pulled out my favorite purple and orange twinkly lights. I happily strung them over my front door, plugged them in and electrically shocked myself...(apparently saying that I 'electrocuted myself' means that I died, thankfully I'm alive.) they were immediately removed and tossed in the trash. I really liked those lights, but they were old, my fault that I shocked myself.
Then today, as I was walking through Home Depot I decided to see if they had any orange and purple Halloween lights to replace my beloved ones that nearly killed me. Apparently all the Halloween lights this year have been replaced with strings of 'ultra light wire'. It's a string of lights with a barely visible wire. I want more distance between the live wire and my fingers, thank you.
Which is why I found myself in the Christmas aisle. Brightly colored decorations, hanging ornaments, twinkly lights, Christmas trees with tinsel, Santa Claus, Nativity Scenes.
Lily was due on Christmas Day.
Then today, as I was walking through Home Depot I decided to see if they had any orange and purple Halloween lights to replace my beloved ones that nearly killed me. Apparently all the Halloween lights this year have been replaced with strings of 'ultra light wire'. It's a string of lights with a barely visible wire. I want more distance between the live wire and my fingers, thank you.
Which is why I found myself in the Christmas aisle. Brightly colored decorations, hanging ornaments, twinkly lights, Christmas trees with tinsel, Santa Claus, Nativity Scenes.
Lily was due on Christmas Day.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Hope
My brother's son passed away last week. It was unexpected and sudden. For Andrew & I it brought back memories of Lily in full force.
Despite knowing that Lily was going to pass away, that her little digestive system had shut down, that she couldn't have heart surgery (pulmonary hypertension sucks) and was receiving all the medical care we could provide without success. Even hearing her monitors blaring from her failing oxygen, even though it was maxed out too... We had hope.
Hope that she would be with us another day, another hour, another second.
Hope that she would live. That we would be greeted by her smiles even if that was all she ever did. We had hope.
I could hear that same hope as my mom related to me the information from my brother regarding his son. I could hear the hope. One more day. One more hour. One more second.
The hope of a loved one remains after death, however the hope changes. As we, Earthly beings are left behind hope remains with us as a steadfast reminder of Eternity. The hope that we will see our loved one again. That we will be reunited with them. To greet them whole and perfect and to be able to raise those young children whom we lost too soon.
Tonight I read to the kids from Mosiah chapter 13. Specifially these chapters regard Abinadi.
"8 Yea, and my words fill you with wonder and amazement, and with anger.
9 But I finish my message; and then it matters not whither I go, if it so be that I am saved."
Abinadi is referring to court and people of the wicked King Noah, who on hearing Abinadi was there to preach the gospel to his people, ordered Abinadi to be slain. Yet, Abinadi warns the people that he cannot be touched or harmed until he delivers the message God commanded him to deliver. He recognizes that the people may be "filled with wonder, amazement" or even "anger".
It is the same with grief.
Grief fills you with wonder about Heaven, is it real? Can I go there? Will my loved ones be there?
Amazement. There is a joyous side to grief which is hard to explain. It is the amazement of feeling Gods love and support for us during this difficult time. It is also the joy emanating from our loves one whom we lost reasurring us that Heaven is real, that God does command Heaven, that his plan is perfect. If we could only step into the next room we would be able to behold out dear ones fulfilling God's work for the completion of His plan of happiness.
Lastly, anger. Anger can be righteous. When Jesus Christ the Lord threw the people out of the temple who were using it incorrectly, he was exercising righteous anger. If we use our anger from grief as a reminder to keep ourselves worthy for temple and heavenly blessings, then I can understand its worth. But if we use anger to be hardened towards God then it is incorrect.
I know that the verses in Mosiah weren't talking of grief. Yet, that is the lesson I needed to hear tonight. It's my own interpretation. Don't read into it as truth. The Lord speaks to our hearts individually for what we need to hear.
As Abinadi spoke to the people of Noah, the Lord did protect him so that His message could be delivered.
Lily before she passed away brought a spirit of great peace to all who met her. Days before her passing each of my children unprompted sang to her primary songs. Lily helped them know and feel the spirit. She taught them what it means to have guidance from the holy ghost.
Days before my nephew passed away, he too in his own way shared the gospel with those whom he came in contact.
What an amazing mission these sweet souls completed here on Earth. I look forward to hearing about their Spirit realm missions.
May God be with you, till we meet again.
Despite knowing that Lily was going to pass away, that her little digestive system had shut down, that she couldn't have heart surgery (pulmonary hypertension sucks) and was receiving all the medical care we could provide without success. Even hearing her monitors blaring from her failing oxygen, even though it was maxed out too... We had hope.
Hope that she would be with us another day, another hour, another second.
Hope that she would live. That we would be greeted by her smiles even if that was all she ever did. We had hope.
I could hear that same hope as my mom related to me the information from my brother regarding his son. I could hear the hope. One more day. One more hour. One more second.
The hope of a loved one remains after death, however the hope changes. As we, Earthly beings are left behind hope remains with us as a steadfast reminder of Eternity. The hope that we will see our loved one again. That we will be reunited with them. To greet them whole and perfect and to be able to raise those young children whom we lost too soon.
Tonight I read to the kids from Mosiah chapter 13. Specifially these chapters regard Abinadi.
"8 Yea, and my words fill you with wonder and amazement, and with anger.
9 But I finish my message; and then it matters not whither I go, if it so be that I am saved."
Abinadi is referring to court and people of the wicked King Noah, who on hearing Abinadi was there to preach the gospel to his people, ordered Abinadi to be slain. Yet, Abinadi warns the people that he cannot be touched or harmed until he delivers the message God commanded him to deliver. He recognizes that the people may be "filled with wonder, amazement" or even "anger".
It is the same with grief.
Grief fills you with wonder about Heaven, is it real? Can I go there? Will my loved ones be there?
Amazement. There is a joyous side to grief which is hard to explain. It is the amazement of feeling Gods love and support for us during this difficult time. It is also the joy emanating from our loves one whom we lost reasurring us that Heaven is real, that God does command Heaven, that his plan is perfect. If we could only step into the next room we would be able to behold out dear ones fulfilling God's work for the completion of His plan of happiness.
Lastly, anger. Anger can be righteous. When Jesus Christ the Lord threw the people out of the temple who were using it incorrectly, he was exercising righteous anger. If we use our anger from grief as a reminder to keep ourselves worthy for temple and heavenly blessings, then I can understand its worth. But if we use anger to be hardened towards God then it is incorrect.
I know that the verses in Mosiah weren't talking of grief. Yet, that is the lesson I needed to hear tonight. It's my own interpretation. Don't read into it as truth. The Lord speaks to our hearts individually for what we need to hear.
As Abinadi spoke to the people of Noah, the Lord did protect him so that His message could be delivered.
Lily before she passed away brought a spirit of great peace to all who met her. Days before her passing each of my children unprompted sang to her primary songs. Lily helped them know and feel the spirit. She taught them what it means to have guidance from the holy ghost.
Days before my nephew passed away, he too in his own way shared the gospel with those whom he came in contact.
What an amazing mission these sweet souls completed here on Earth. I look forward to hearing about their Spirit realm missions.
May God be with you, till we meet again.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Grief Link
I quite liked the link my mom posted: http://www.momstrongutah.com/blog-1/2016/9/6/denise
It's the story of a mother who delivered a down syndrome baby, who passed away. I can see parallels in my own life. Don't have the energy to do laundry? yep. Don't want to be alone, yet feel like you make horrible company? Check. I especially like the explanation of what the kids went through.
It's the story of a mother who delivered a down syndrome baby, who passed away. I can see parallels in my own life. Don't have the energy to do laundry? yep. Don't want to be alone, yet feel like you make horrible company? Check. I especially like the explanation of what the kids went through.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Sleep
Lying here waiting for sleep,
Escapes me still, while bunnies leap.
In my mind monitors beep.
I stay awake, I cannot sleep.
Gasping breath haunts,
Numbers dropped,
You I rocked, and rocked, and rocked,
Through the night,
Till morning first light.
You slept.
Chores for tomorrow,
Wait for my passing sorrow.
My little one's not here.
Silence the terrors, nightmares dispel.
Heaven's embrace keeps my tiny one well.
Tiny dancer wild and free,
Come and sit here, next to me?
The fairy queen's coming, she's quaint to see.
Her tiny toes will sprint across my knee.
See her dancing, fairy wings of grace,
Across the grass her step we'll trace.
Watch the flowing, shimmering lace,
The fairy king takes her by the waist.
Twirling over the meadow fast,
Quick their movements as they fly past.
Join the merrily, gather the dance!
Gentle fairy men ready to prance.
Fairy ladies, flowing gowns,
Wearing tiny flowered crowns,
Nighttime peering never a frown,
Dance and twirl till moon is down.
Sun rising, fairy folk yawn,
Back to hollows, skipping over lawn.
Goodnight fairies, merry making gone,
Come my tiny dancer, rest till another dawn.
Escapes me still, while bunnies leap.
In my mind monitors beep.
I stay awake, I cannot sleep.
Gasping breath haunts,
Numbers dropped,
You I rocked, and rocked, and rocked,
Through the night,
Till morning first light.
You slept.
Chores for tomorrow,
Wait for my passing sorrow.
My little one's not here.
Silence the terrors, nightmares dispel.
Heaven's embrace keeps my tiny one well.
Tiny dancer wild and free,
Come and sit here, next to me?
The fairy queen's coming, she's quaint to see.
Her tiny toes will sprint across my knee.
See her dancing, fairy wings of grace,
Across the grass her step we'll trace.
Watch the flowing, shimmering lace,
The fairy king takes her by the waist.
Twirling over the meadow fast,
Quick their movements as they fly past.
Join the merrily, gather the dance!
Gentle fairy men ready to prance.
Fairy ladies, flowing gowns,
Wearing tiny flowered crowns,
Nighttime peering never a frown,
Dance and twirl till moon is down.
Sun rising, fairy folk yawn,
Back to hollows, skipping over lawn.
Goodnight fairies, merry making gone,
Come my tiny dancer, rest till another dawn.
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