Song

There's a grief that can't be spoken.
Though belief in Heaven grows on and on.
NG tubes that won't be used.
Now my Lily's Heaven gone.

Here we rocked until the morning.
Here with siblings we all sang.
Talked to you about tomorrow,
And for Lily it never came.

From the garden bright and gleaming,
Lily saw the flowers bloom,
Danced with Daddy as he held her tightly,
And we can see her now!
Her siblings playing all around,
Showing her their world.
Until the sun went down.

Little sweetheart in the evening,
We watched your numbers slowly fall.
Held you close as stars were gleaming,
Hearing Heaven's beckoning call.

Here I sometimes still can feel you,
Dream that you're not really gone.
See your crib and blankets mourning,
Wishing you here, for this I long.

Oh my sweetheart, tiny Lily,
Just too perfect for this Earth.

As the angels closed your chapter, 

It opened up your Heavenly birth.

Poem

One month ago you left me,
My arms are empty still.
Though sustained by heavens knowledge,
Knowing that you followed God's will.

Oh Sweetheart, how we miss you!
Your smiles, giggles, cries.
Though we know God's plan of salvation,
Is virtuous, lovely and wise.

I long for the day I hold you.
Hear all you have to say.
Your siblings take great comfort,
Knowing we're sealed in Eternal ways.

On swiftly child, I love you.
God's plan is better than mine.
Reunion with you in Heaven,
Is only a matter of time.

WGU graduation

When my dear friend Patience and her husband Dallan walked across the stage to receive their Bachelor degrees, they were able to carry their twins in tiny little caps and gowns. It was adorable! I babysat those twins to help Patience graduate. I graduated the same day as Patience and Dallan, and though we had started the process of adopting Sarah, she wasn't ours yet and wouldn't be joining our house for another 6 months. 

I was hoping that I would be able to carry Lily in a tiny cap and gown. 

Today, I walked at graduation. I received my Masters of Arts in Education, Biological Sciences Secondary Education Degree. I actually finished last year one week after graduation. During completion of my Master's I was pregnant with Lily. My younger boys were 3, 2 and 2. But yet the Lord had told me that now was the time to complete the degree. I started with some trepidation. Sarah and Michael were in school all day long, and James, Peter and Danny all took a nap at the same time everyday. So, I used those lovely 3 hours each day to complete my Master's course work online through Western Governors University. 

I enjoyed the competency based learning, but admittedly, I'm glad that this blog post doesn't have to be in APA format or have ten recent references. I forgot my camera, so if other pictures trickle in, perhaps I'll add them later. 

Lined up and getting ready, The lady behind me in line, I think her name was Faith? Funny. My Bachelor's I lined up with Patience, my Master's I was followed by Faith. 

No one told me my hat was crooked, but at least in the picture all the kids are looking in the same general direction! Overall, it was the most enjoyable graduation I've ever attended. 

They had a real quartet playing pomp and circumstance when we entered. The speakers were short and shared real life interesting stories. 

My sister bought me a lei of purple flowers. I've always wanted a lei at graduation! I offered it to Sarah but after wearing it for a little while she didn't want it. So, I put it back on and wore it the rest of the day, to lunch at Chuck-a-rama, and to the grocery store too--hey, I might as well have fun with it. 

After wearing the lei all day, I visited Lily's grave. Lily earned this degree with me, she was with me with nearly every final. Most WGU grads take 21 months to complete their Masters. I finished in 11 months. I talked to her during my finals and coursework, she was my good luck charm, her sweet spirit motivated me to work harder. I carried Lily's picture with me and with it in my hand walked across the stage to be handed my diploma case. Since Lily shares this degree with me, I took her my lei of flowers.

Life for the living slows when a loved one passes. But the world doesn't slow. People continue their lives, busying themselves with tasks trivial or important. All this matters not. Eternity matters. What are you going to accomplish today for your eternity?  

Cascade Springs, Dressing Lily

My husband and I take great comfort in hiking or being able to explore the outdoors. We've been on many hikes together and have tried in our our way to teach our kids to enjoy it. 

It seemed rather healing, and appropriate for Sunday, neither Rew nor I wanted or were really ready to talk to the people at our church (LDS ward), I think the Lord will forgive us for not going one week. 

Cascade Springs. 

I thought that I might experience great sadness while on the hike, noting in my mind the absence of Lily. Yet while walking down the boardwalk, Sarah came and grabbed my left hand. Immediately another small hand grabbed my right, yet, glancing down... there was no child on my right. Rew had all the boys. I had my daughters. It filled me with joy.

Little Danny was pointing to all the bubbles caused by the little waterfalls. 

My pretty Sarah.

Bridges have a special place in our family. Rew proposed to me over the Provo River while we were walking across a bridge. It's tradition that we kiss whenever we cross over a bridge. Our kids have started to call them "kissing bridges."

STOP! 

I understand that the images of a deceased are sacred, and I mean no disrespect by posting them. But if you feel that it's inappropriate and don't wish to view them, then don't continue reading. 

My little Lily was dressed in a beautiful cream gown with pink and yellow star flowers, green leaves, and blue flowers embroidered on the skirt and on a fuzzy knitted jacket. Angel white socks were placed on her feet. A pink fuzzy/white with golden speckles doubled sided blanket was wrapped around her. In her casket we placed a garland of small silk pink flowers and silk calla lilies. Each of the kids, Rew and I had a miniature dragon to place in her casket--a tribute to her song, "Race you to the top of the Morning from Secret Garden". Each of the kids said goodbye. they felt how cold Lily hands and head were, we gave her kisses. My parents & Rew's parents came to help dress Lily. My sister Becky came to watch the kids while we were dressing her.  She looked so peaceful, without cables and oxygen, feeding tubes and pulse oximeters. Rew helped sealed the tiny white casket with the daisy flowers impression on top-it will be buried in her final resting spot tomorrow.